Marriage

The other night, my wife and I were watching an episode of 20/20's 'Enough' series. One of the segments focused on an African American lady who believes 'black love' has become very distorted in recent decades. She has initiated a program which encourages black parents to get married and become a more traditional nuclear family, rather than perpetuating what she believes is a destructive cycle in the African American community of having 'baby mommies' and 'baby daddies', with tons of gaps in between which children often fall through.

I am not African American, but I am married. I often jokingly tell people that the key to marital bliss can be summed up in two words - separate bathrooms. But in truth, if I had one thing to say to the newly married or soon-to-be married, it would be this - "It ain't all about you." This is something both husbands and wives need to hear. Marriages that consist of two people who live like they are single will end up that way in real life. As a Christian, having Christ as the acknowledged head of the house is the absolutely essential unifying factor that holds both spouses accountable to a higher law and a higher authority. That means...

1) Compromise. It's not a dirty word. Compromise on some minor things, and even some major things if greater goods can be achieved, under the headship of Christ. If you try and die on every hill, the mountain range of your marriage will be small and worn.

2) Communicate - clearly. Don't base your attitudes or behaviors toward each other on assumptions. This is death to a marriage. Don't work hard at disguising your feelings to make it more difficult for the other to figure out what's going on. Instead, work hard at understanding the other's feelings, in part, by making your feelings lovingly clear. Don't assume things about your spouse, and don't force your spouse to assume things about you.

3) Sacrifice. This is perhaps THE biblical virtue that most needs to be rediscovered in our culture generally, and marriages particularly. Sacrifice is not rooted in duty; it's rooted in love. If there's a lack of sacrifice in marriage, it says something about the level of love in that marriage, and it ain't good.

4) Understanding. Nobody's perfect, and with the exception of Christ, nobody is anybody's perfect ideal. There's a reason why only God is to be worshipped, because only God is worthy of our worship. People make mistakes, they say harsh things, and commit insensitive acts. We're in a fallen world - it's part of the deal. However, one good way to minimize this stuff is through understanding. This entails patience and loyalty when people screw up, and it means seeing your spouse as they really are, and not as a mirror image of you.

5) Wield your power carefully. Husbands and wives are (or at least should be) more familiar with each other's fears, weaknesses, insecurities, and hot buttons than anyone else. This kind of vulnerability in marriage is a wonderful thing. But there is tremendous potential for ugliness here too. Vulnerability, by definition, results in spouses handing each other the deadliest weapons that can be used against each other, trusting that neither will actually 'drop the bomb' on the other. Like political leaders of nuclear nations, spouses are entrusted with enormous power by virtue of knowing each other's vulnerabilities intimately. Through honesty and openness, spouses know the weapons that are at their disposal that can cripple their mate - they know how to hurt each other if they want to. Such power must not be abused. Don't push buttons you know will devastate your spouse - this is totally reckless (and unloving). Don't go nuclear; there are less devastating ways of resolving conflict than going for the jugular. Understand the power you have, and be extremely careful how you use it.

All of these things are interrelated and depend on each other. All of it falls under the subject "It ain't all about you". A whole bunch of husbands (including me) and wives need this reality check, desperately.